Dear Maria, Count Me In
by Puppet String
Summary: Collab with Insane-Random-Girl-17
1. Chapter 1

**Collab with Insane-Random-Girl-17**

**Shipping ensues. OCs. Bad words used.**

* * *

Maria sighed as she dropped the box off in her new condo, looking out over the porch to see a blur of color rush around trying to unload as fast a possible, she cracked a smile. She pulled her brown hair out of a ponytail shaking some of the hairspray out. Blue eyes twinkled in amusement, Bludhaven was going to be a good new start she could could feel it.

"I finished unloading all the boxes!"

"Great job. Now I just have to establish a nest." Beatrice, Maria's Best Friend and roommate, grabbed her sleeping bag and a large blanket, tossing them on the floor and laying down, adding another thinner blanket on top. "Perfect nest." She scooted over. "You gonna make your own nest or you want to share until we get the beds set up?"

"You do realize that the beds are technically up?"

"But they're not clean."

"Meaning…?"

"Meaning they're still full of other folks' dead skin cells and sweat and tiny flesh munching insects. We must sanitize and vacuum them."

Maria looked at the fresh beds they just bought the day before, "We just bought them.."

"But we can't be sure that they were never floor models, can we?"

"They have the plastic wrappings on them."

"True enough. I guess I shall move my nest to the BED! But we've gotta figure out how to assemble them."

Maria pointed a tanned index finger at the bed assembly people, "Thats what the strangers are for."

"But we ought to help. Seems like a dick move to just sit here while they do all the work." Beatrice cast a guilty glance at the men as they picked out tools from a small red box.

"Its what they get paid to do." the older girl replied looking at her phone. "What do you want for dinner?"  
"Hmm...Well, the kitchen's functional now, so want to make some spaghetti? Or maybe breakfast for dinner? I found the box of pancake mix."

Maria whined, "We had that yesterday and the day before that and the day before that! Let's just go out to eat for once!" her eyes shifted the the men moving from Triss' room to her's, "After they leave, of course."

"Okay. I vote Chinese, then. You can't spell Beatrice without eat rice!" Her brown eyes shone excitedly.

"YES! WERE LIVIN LA VIDA …. FOOD!" Maria jumped around shaking the dirt and dust from her jeans and black tee.

Beatrice could practically smell the orange chicken. "Let me redo my pigtails. They're all messed up from climbing in and out of boxes. My own fault? Yes. Regrettable? Nope! But now I need to remember where I unpacked the brush to."

Maria pulled a new hairbrush out, "Here, Merry Christmas… in July."

"Thanks! I can do them while we walk. I think I saw a place a couple blocks up. And, if we go the wrong way, there's bound to be a restaurant eventually."

"Go do them in the bathroom, I'll wait for these guys to finish." Maria left to stare intently at the men in her room so they would leave quicker.

Ten minutes later, Triss's light blonde hair was in two neat pigtails and the two friwnds were walking out the door heading for the chinese restaurant. Maria was smiling brightly, she hadn't been this free in six years.

"Look there it is! Want to race?" Maria asked.

"YES YES YES YES YES. And I won't teleport. Promise you won't use your powers, too."

"Duh. Everyone would see." Maria took off towards the restaurant jumping over small children and jumping off the sides of buildings trying to reach the destination before Triss.

Triss chased after her, gaining with each step. She hopped up on a doorknob, ready to jump over her friend. The door slammed open, smacking her into the side Maria. "Parkour," She grunted in pain, falling to the ground. "Oh fuck." Maria's head was slammed into the wall. "Ouch."

"Tch. Watch where you're going, peasants." A fifteen year old boy sneered at the duo.

"How about no?" Maria said, standing up.

"Dude nice aim. You got both of us with one hit! Was that luck or talent?" Beatrice wiped some blood from her cheek. That was gonna sting for a while.

"Luck. I was born lucky. That's why I'm upperclass and you aren't."

"Wow…" Beatrice frowned. "You're kind of an ornery kid. I know not all upper class folks are like you, so what's your fucking deal?"

"The correct term would be a cum sucking,asshole. First rate silver spoon pansy ass. Let's go, Triss." Maria grabbed her friend and took her down the alley, "Take us to the restaurant."

"Okay. Still, kinda harsh back there. He looked pretty young. What if you taught him a new curse word?" She slapped her hand over her mouth. "What if I taught him a new curse word? Oh, crap."'

"Woman, people like him are trying to get laid at his age and know every curse word in the book. Lax, you're fine as long as he doesn't hunt us down with mummy and daddy crying." Maria said, wiping the blood off the side of her head.

"If you say so. Anyway, here we are. I'll get a table and you order. We can talk about tomorrow while we eat."

Beatrice picked a spot at a booth in the back by the window. It would be cooler there at night. Heat didn't bother her, surprisingly enough. She was almost never seen without her sky blue hoodie. It felt natural for her to wear it.

Maria had just sat down from ordering their food when she heard the door open, with a certain crude child complaining about peasant establishments. "My life sucks. Just saying, Triss."

"Don't make eye contact and maybe he won't recognize us. Lift your bowl up to your face, like this." She grabbed her food and stuck it right below her chin, tipping it up and letting orange chicken roll onto her face. "Now we wait." She mumbled.

Maria laughed, slapping her hand on the table laughing, "JESUS CHRIST I'VE MISSED YOU!"

"Hey!" a voice shouted from the crowd.

"Shut up!" Maria shouted, turning back to her friend, feeling an intense gaze, then hearing footsteps. The boy from earlier sat in the booth next to Maria.

Maria's eyes twitched.

"Ladies." He greeted them, grinning widely. "How are you two this fine evening?"

Maria glared, "Debating how many murders I can get away with in one night."

"You hit us with a door and then called us peasants," Beatrice complained, lowering the bowl to reveal orange chicken sauce still stuck to her lightly freckled face, "So kind of bummed but otherwise fairly well. The sauce sora burns my cheek wound but not too bad. How are you? Feeling less ornery, I see. Thank you for checking that!"

Maria sighed, "Triss, your face." She took some of the water on her napkin and wiped Triss's face the best she could from across the table.

"Master Damian! You can't just sit with these young ladies! You do not know them." Alfred scolded, carrying the family's dinner. They insisted on the this place for dinner tonight.

"Shut up, Alfred. You're not the boss of me." Damien crossed his arms.

Maria's hand flew fast, hitting him in the mouth, " Don't you dare disrespect your elders, arrogant brat."

Beatrice slipped him a fortune cookie. He opened it, a little confused and glad for the momentary difference in tone from being scolded. Inside, instead of a fortune, was a piece of napkin with the words, 'You're being a dick' written on it. Beatrice made eye contact with him. "It's true. Spooky how accurate it is, huh?"

Maria jumped over the edge of the booth, "I'm going to take a leak." She walked to the bathroom angrily.

"Would you two care to join us?" Beatrice offered. Maybe she could teach the kid some manners and give the old man a break from what she assumed to be his asshole grandson or great nephew or kid he was stuck babysitting.

"I'm afraid we can't stay, but thank you for offering. Come now, Damien. Master Bruce is waiting." He offered the boy a hand, which was rudely refused. Beatrice just caught him muttering something about, "Push Ups 'till you drop if you don't behave" and "Bruce is going to be very disappointed in you" as they left.

Maria came back and picked at her food, "I'll get some boxes, I lost my appetite." She picked up her cell phone, she had left it on the table. "Huh?"

Looking at Triss she seethed, "That punk put his number in my cell. Did you see him do that?"

Triss was surprised. "No! He must be pretty stealthy. He might have done it while I talked to his Grandpa or Uncle or whoever that poor man was."

Maria quickly boxed up and paid for the food before she she stomped out of the restaurant. "Hey, Triss, why don't you hurry back with the food? I want to take a walk."

Triss knew that the implied end of her friend's sentence was 'alone'. "Sure. I'll see you later, then. Oh, and I'll make the beds and set our alarm clock while you're gone. Big day tomorrow!"

Maria put her headphones in and started to walk , it went from running to jogging till she was full out sprinting across the park. It was sunset and she had to be a ways from her home,but she didn't care. She was too pissed off. Why was a Silver Spoon here in Bludhaven? The closest rich family was a highway away in Gotham. Not noticing where she was running, she ran smack dab into someone. Both of them tumbled from Maria speed, headphones and cell phones falling on the pavement. Maria grunted as she felt hard object digging into her. Looking up she realized that she crashed into a cop. Jumping up to her feet, her ears red with embarrassment.

"I'm So Sorry Officer!" She helped him up.

"I'm fine, question is why are you running. Is something the matter, young miss?" He asked, blue eyes showing concerned. "No, just out for a run." A black eyebrow raised, "In jeans?"

"Last minute decision. I have to get home. Have a good night, Officer!" She took off running toward the Condo.

"BE CAREFUL!" He shouted as he picked up his cellphone, "She dropped her headphones.." he pocketed the small red buds.

"Master Dick, is everything okay?" Alfred asked through the phone, "Yes, now you said you guys are at my place with Chinese?"

Arriving home just after the sunset she took a deep breathe, "I'm home!"

"Welcome back, Maria! Ready for DESSERT?" Triss had picked up a couple cupcakes from a bakery a few blocks away. She figured that they'd be good for her clearly upset friend when she got back.

"Always." Maria said as she sat on the kitchen counter. "What is going on tomorrow?"

"We're going for that job interview, remember? That government thing? Sounds pretty cool. Kind of like our old jobs but hopefully with less orders being barked. Reconnaissance really sucks when you're under the watchful eye of lots of superiors. Also they have no appreciation for puppet shows."

"I appreciate your puppet shows." Maria said eating a cupcake. "Anything on the answering machine?"

"I'll check." Beatrice loved pressing the button. *DO DE DOOP* "YOU HAVE one Message. PRESS one TO LISTEN TO THIS MESSAGE." Beatrice poked the one button.

"Uh...Hi. This is Bruce Wayne. I'm calling to apologize for the behavior of Damian. Alfred told me all about his misbehavior, and when I took his phone I found two new numbers titled-"

"FATHER NO! DON'T TELL HER! FATHER!" Damian was screeching in the background.

"Sassy Beloved's Cell and Sassy Beloved's Home. I'm very sorry for this. I'll be deleting your numbers after I leave this message. Again, I'm terribly sorry and very embarrassed. This behavior will not go unpunished."

Maria fell off the counter laughing, "My god this kid is a riot!"

Beatrice dropped her cupcake on her lap she was laughing so hard. "Sassy Beloved? Where did he pick that up? I couldn't find a more embarrassing name in my brother's phone! Holy crap this is great."

The night ended with laughter as the two girls bid each other goodnight.


	2. Chapter 2

Maria pulled at her collar the next day after she exited the interview, "Man, I really hate interviews. How'd it go for you Triss?"

"They asked me why I got fired last time and I said "Socks" in a panic so probably not so well. On the bright side, the lady at the desk let me take a peppermint candy on the way out. She said I could grab one for you, too." She passed it to Maria. The older one popped it into her mouth as she walked out the building, feeling the door whack someone she glanced. "Oh hell no. Why are you here?" She looked at the teen who was holding his nose.

Triss dug a napkin out of her pocket. "Is it bleeding?" She asked, staring at the boy.

"Fuck off, I'm fine!" Damian swatted the napkin to the floor, revealing that his nose was, indeed, bleeding. He picked up the napkin and nursed his wound. "I'm here to tell you that Dad was lying and you weren't Sassy Beloved in my phone. It's a lie. He lied."

"Say it one more time I might believe you." She joked. It was a kid- she didn't really care but something about him put her on edge.

"Lemme see your phone." Beatrice demanded, stretching out her palm and looking at Damian sternly.

"What?"

"Your phone. I want to make sure my friend's number is really gone. You shouldn't harass people."

"No way! It's my phone."

"Holy shit, you didn't tell me you had a pet pigeon!" She pointed over his shoulder

"I don't have a pet-"

Beatrice snatched the phone out of his pocket. "Fuckboy." The number was still, indeed, inside and his oil trail left his phone easy to unlock. "It totally is Sassy Beloved what the fuck, kid? Maria, look at this shit. This is worse than the time my brother spelled Cupid with a doubleyou."

Maria wasn't paying attention, she saw the shadows moving she grabbed Triss and Damian's arms and began leading them around a very twisted path through town. She was trying to lose the people that were following but it wasn't working. She found her way back to where she parked her car, threw Triss in the back seat with Damian, climbed in the Driver's seat, and peeled out of the area as quick as she could.

Beatrice buckled Damian in. "Maria, shouldn't we drop him off? Technically I think this is against his will and-"

"Are you kidding?This is an excellent opportunity!"

"Bad child! Never go to the car with a stranger. Jeez, what's this Wayne dude telling you?"

Maria grabbed the spare squirt bottle from the passenger seat and sprayed Damian in the face, "Bad Child. Bad, bad Child!"

Damian wiped his face. "The fuck do you have that for? You own a cat or something?"

Beatrice shook her head. "It's for me. She calls it the 'shut up when I'm driving so we don't crash' bottle."

Soon enough Maria slowed down to a mild pace and pulled in Gotham. "Wanna tell me where Wayne Manor is before I call your house?"

"No. I don't want to go home yet."

"Does your Dad know where you are?"

"He thinks I'm going for a walk."

"Time to walk, then!" Beatrice reached over to try unlocking the car door and got ready to throw it open. She was about ready to toss this little twat out of the car. He'd been hitting on Maria for the last half hour. The Child safety locked the car doors and prevented the windows from being lowered. "Guess I'm just going to have to call your father." Maria pulled into a parking lot and grabbed her cell phone.

"What's your home number?" Beatrice asked.

"None of your damn business!"

"SURPRISE, FUCKBOY!" Beatrice pulled his cell out of her pocket and began digging through his contacts. "Bgirl, Alfred, Drake, Grayson, Pizza place...the list went on until "Coolest Dad in the universe" showed up.

"Found it. I'll dial with this little dude's phone."

Maria reached back and grabbed the phone calling the number, Damian mumbled about letting Grayson change his contacts.

Maria's nails tapped against the wheel as she waited for him to pick up, "Come on, pick up."

"Damian? What's wrong?"

"Hello, Mister Wayne? I'm Maria Reynolds. Um, Sassy Beloved? Your son followed me to a job interview this morning and I was wondering where I could return him to?

There was a heavy sigh. "Do you know where Wayne Manor is?"

Maria smiled brightly even though he couldn't see, "Nope! If I could get the address I can use Gps."

"1007 Mountain Drive, Gotham. Thank you for driving him home. And please be assured, I'll have a word with him."

Maria laughed, "It's no bother, he is quite amusing. Have a pleasant day, Mister Wayne."

Beatrice was squabbling with Damian in the back, spraying him with the 'Shut up while I'm driving so we don't have a wreck' bottle. "Give it!" He demanded. "Get off me, you chewed gum hooker boy! And leave Maria alone!"

Maria noticed that their seatbelts off, started the car, raced forward, and slammed on the breaks before she made her way to Wayne manor. She kept Damian's Cell under her thigh, incase she needed it.

When they arrived after heading through the gate and putting the car in park, Beatrice manually unlocked the door and shoved Damian out of the car. "SAYONARA, YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

Maria sighed as she turned the car off and grabbed Damian's arm as she walked to the door incase he tried to lock himself in the trunk. She pressed the doorbell. "Is this going to be an ever going pattern or are you going to stop?"

"I don't know. Are you going to stop trying to rebuff my affections?"

Maria swear he was stupid, "Yes. I always will."

The door creaked open. Alfred ushered them inside. At this point, Beatrice hopped out of the car and joined her friends. It was spooky outside of the manor. As soon as she got inside, she wished she'd stayed in the car. It was spooky inside, too. And it smelled really, really clean for such a big old building. Bruce Wayne waited by the staircase. "Hi, welcome in. I'm Bruce. I believe I spoke with one of you on the phone. Miss Reynolds?"

Maria almost tossed the boy, "That's me. Its a pleasure to meet you, Mister Wayne. I was just asking your son if this was going to be a pattern or not." She glared at the teen.

"And he said…?"

Beatrice chimed in. She'd heard the snotnosed reply from the car. She mocked a high-pitch irritating voice. "I don't know. Are you going to stop trying to rebuff my affections?" She snorted disdainfully. "You've got one mighty ornery kid! Maybe you ought to get a babysitter. Or Supernanny."

Maria blocked out Triss, "Damian, you never answered me. Are you going to stop?"

Damian eyed her, then Bruce, then her again, then stared at the ground. "I don't know."

"Lookie here you little shit," Triss hissed, "Back in my day, we had to respect our elders. You're like twelve. Maria is in her twenties, and so am I."

"You're shorter than me! And I'm fifteen." Damian protested.

"That doesn't make me any less twenties."

Maria looked at Damian, "Damian you're a teen of logic right? why don't we Logically tell you why this wont work?"

Alfred ushered them all the living room, knowing this would be a long discussion. He sighed, something about Bats and their stubbornness.

Maria sipped on some juice Alfred brought out, Beatrice was playing with Damian's dog Titus.

"Who's a good puppy? Who's a good puppy? You! You're a good puppy! Oh, c'mere. Awwwe. Yeah, you're a good dog. Good boy! Good boy!" She read his tag. "Good boy, Titus!" Titus flopped onto the carpet, panting happily as Beatrice scratched his chin and rubbed his tummy.

"Damian, we can't work as an um, item? We need to sort out this confusion you seem to be having." Maria took a deep breath, looking at Bruce for some help.

Bruce cleared his throat, "Yes, Damian how about why are you infatuated with Maria? Maybe we can kill some of the things you think are appealing?"

"She's so sassy!" Damian blurted.

"What the fuck she's bitchy not sassy, asshat. Sassy is my schtick." Triss continued petting Titus.

Maria smiled, "Well Damian, if I did like you, I wouldn't be 'Sassy' as you say. I would be happy and giggly. Like those airhead blondes. It is very unappealing."

"Excuse you, Maria. In case you'd forgotten, I'm blonde. You think I'm an airhead? I sco-"

"You're Asexual you don't count in what im talking about."

"The fuck does sexuality have to do with anything? You're using hair color to measure intelligence and throwing sexuality in the m-"

"Look a Cat" Maria pointed.

"THE ONLY CAT I SEE IS THIS LIL PUSSY RIGHT HERE." Beatrice pointed at Damien. "Meow" The cat, Alfred, rubbed against her leg.

"Kitty!" Triss placed Alfred the cat next to Titus and pet them both affectionately. She'd deal with bigotry later.

"Isn't me not being Sassy horrible? Imagine it Giggling, holding your arm, demanding hugs, whining about where you're at. It's not attractive." Maria looked back at Damian.

"I guess not...Still, why would you change and be like that if you liked me?"

Maria shrugged, "Probably something to do with my childhood. It's just how I am when I want to be with someone. Anything else?"

Bruce leaned forward. "There has to be something else, Damian. That other girl, Beatrice, has been just as rude- erm, sassy- with you, and you don't like her."

"She looks like 12. She's flat, whiney, ornery, pissy-"

Triss growled. "You mean like you? Twatfeather!"

Maria sighed, "There is barely any difference between me and Triss, Damian is there anything you want me to clear up for you?"

He smirked like a douche. "How are babies m-"

Triss threw the cat on him.

"OUCH! WHAT THE FUCK?"

"I know what you were about to ask and I think we all know you probably know, you freaking tool."

Bruce sighed, "Damian, I'm sure The ladies will like to go home soon so could you not play around? Ask her anything else."

"Fine…" He thought for a moment. "Why don't you like me?"

"You're like 12, cheeseball." Triss was helpful as ever. "Also you smell like Axe bodyspray."

Maria looked at Triss, "I happen to like Axe so I feel insulted, but besides the fact I'm half a decade older than you? I like someone else."

"WHO?" Damian and Triss demanded in unison, Triss with a huge grin and Damian with a desperate frown.

Maria gave them an uncomfortable look, "Uhh some guy I crashed into at the park…" A light blush dusted her cheeks.

"It wasn't a homeless dude, right? I heard this one chick raving about "beautiful sexy homeless people" in detention once. She even said she'd try and drive this one guy who worked at 24 hour fitness away from his "stupid bitch girlfriend of three years". Please don't be like that girl. Homeless people can be beautiful but please don't try to separate them from those they love. It's scary."

Maria rolled her eyes, "It was a cop. Why am I talking about this to you? I have to go, come on, Triss!" Threw Damian's phone in his lap.

Triss waved goodbye to Bruce, Alfred, Alfred, and Titus. They headed out and went home. "Think they'll call us back?"

"Knowing that boy, he will." Maria drove off, leaving Damian alone with his father.

"I meant from the job interview."

Damian knew his display of bravado in front of his Dad had failed to impress the ladies and had definitely earned him a world of trouble. He was going to be grounded forever. He'd be older than Alfred and still be grounded. Speaking of Alfred, he'd probably be doing the old man's chores, too. Dusting. Dishes. Vacuuming. Laundry. Feeding Titus and Alfred. He had busy days ahead.

"Damian. Want to tell me the reason behind stalking a twenty-three year old woman?" Bruce decided not to lay into him right away.

"She was hella beautiful. Very fresh, like a tomato."

He was in deep shit anyway, might as well milk it.

Bruce silently made a promise to take away the gangster like movies their making his son's speech ineloquent. "Damian, I'm going to burst your bubble right now, she was not that beautiful. She was average at best."

"To you, maybe! But you bring home girls like Catwoman and Talia Al Ghul. I'm fifteen. I find some of the yogurt commercial ladies attractive."

Bruce sighed, "Okay, but you do not stalk them!"

"But how else do I get their attention? After I slammed the door on them, I had to find a chance to talk to her without apologizing."

Bruce looked at his son, "You..Slammed a door on them. And didn't apologize?"

"No. I more slammed it open and they were in the way, anyway."

The front door slammed open, "I'm home!" Dick called out into the manor.

"We will continue this later."

"Fine!" Damian cursed silently under his breath.

"Did I miss something?" Dick asked.

"Damian is stalking a woman who is eight years older than him."

Dick's face lit up, "Aww Damian has his first crush! Bruce! Bruce! you know how I said I'd never get over Babara? Well, I've found a girl who isn't like everyone, throwing themselves at my feet. Even though she ran into me. She ran away she didn't know who I was and she was soo pretty. And she had this cute smile and I have to find her again!"

"Dick tone it down you sound like an eleven year old who just discovered FunDip." Damian muttered.

"Well, I'm sorry for finding someone who doesn't throw herself at my feet like everyone else. So, Damian you know you can never hope to be with this woman until you're eighteen?"

"Shut up, Dick!"

"So what does she look like, your mother?"

"No! She's got brown hair and blue eyes. Breasts."

Dick stopped, "About yea high?" he held his hand to the height of Maria, "Smells like Night by Victoria Sercet?"

"Well, yeah, and she was wearing perfume, so I guess it could've been Victoria Secret. Why?"

Dick crossed his arms, "I call Dibs."

"You can't dibs her! She already drove me home."

"She ran into me, she was ONTOP of me. Dibs."

"She sprayed me with water in her car! Dibs!"

"She touched my hand, DIBSSSSSSSSSSS!"

"She-she-uh…"

Alfred smirked. "She refused your affections, drove you home so that Bruce would tell you to back off, and sprayed you with water?"

Dick laughed and ran out of the room as Damian threw ninja stars at him. "DIBBS~~ SHE'S MINE LIL' D"

Damian slammed his door, "WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT! I HAVE HER NUMBER!"

Dick glared at the door before going to bug Bruce until dinner is ready. "Probably didn't give it to you willingly," He muttered.

Triss and Marie sat around in their bedroom waiting for a call back. Finally the phone rang. They made eye contact. "You wanna answer?" Triss asked. She hated phones. Unless she was messing with some asshole's phone. Too bad she hadn't managed to change all of Damian's contacts to things like Batman and Toothpaste.

"Hello?" Maria took the conversation in for a minute before hanging up. "You got the job!" She smiled.

"What about you?" Triss wasn't as excited. It would only be fun if they both got jobs at the place. How did she get a government job again if Maria didn't?

"I applied for the police station earlier this week and got it. I refused the job when they called me me about it in the interview I went to with you."

"Oh. Okay. Oh, did they mention whether I made it into Security or if I got the other position they mentioned? I don't think they told me what I'd have to do, but they said it paid equal to security."

"The other one, they want men in the security. Something about keeping us in hiding."

"Oh. Okay. Looks like I'm planning city events, then. Do you think people would like a city wide Pajama Day plus pak sleepover night?"

"Try a Kings Ball."

"Boo. Where? And can there be a ballpit? For the kids, I mean. Maybe we could get some words from the Police Commissioner and the Fire Chief."


End file.
